sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
