So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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