Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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