mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
