wanna go halves on a baby?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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