i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
someone get that fucking seahorse.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
