Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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