You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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