4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I need help removing her.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize