very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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