WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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