I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
