I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
