you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
