Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
