He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
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we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
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Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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