dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
