Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
