I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
