the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW