break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
