I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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