why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
