if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
