Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
