I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
