How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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