I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
