who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
