apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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