When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
