He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
