I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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