Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.