i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
