my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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