When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
