he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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