Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
