I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
