fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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