no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
