i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
