Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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