don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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