I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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