Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
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The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
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Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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