i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
