Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
