Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
