You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
