I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
