No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
