Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
