I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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